MINIMALIST LOVE

Most probably, when I first started working did I first start living. Having an actual life as persona in progress, a single indented 'bring it on' girl. Did I first opened my eyes and for the first time heard and for the first time did I reflect on myself. Happiness.

At that time, I didn't know who I was, I didn't want to know. Everything came as a first, as interesting, as fun. I loved the unknown, the learning and trying on different characters. Pushing on the boundaries, going out of my comfort zone, questioning my values, loose of all the prejudice, ready to explore, wanting more. Freedom and laughter, carelessness...feeling blind. Actually, so much carelessness, that I began to wonder whether was there anything or anyone I cared for. Nothing could piss me off, throw me off track. I was bigger than life.

That scared me! If there isn't a thing to anger me or cause a reaction out of me, applying, nothing matters. I despise indifference and I am a female mammal, nursing is in my genes. So, in order to find who I am, I had to ask who I wanted to be, but before that I had to divorce myself from the person I was becoming. And I looked for it in SOLITUDE. It bought me time.

I've talked about who I am not, being the only known. I once again like knowing, so much more comforting than not knowing.

Loved, and still do, being alone. Thinking. I never think about myself, or reflect back, or go through orphaned memories, never revisit, it is too damn depressing and nostalgic. But I do think of words and sentences. Big fan of 'one word describing a whole'. Picture says a thousand words, I want one, only one! I like to hear or read a sentence, and then rewrite or recreate a whole different story. Anything, first raw thing that comes to my mind, and build around it, craft it, add, chop, polish and then I like to say 'print'.

I haven't exactly finished school. Which saddens me, a lot, even angers actually. And I have to add here too that I have zilch or self discipline. But! when it comes to my mind, I'll make sure it is in progress, it is challenged, getting daily food in form of information. Literally, I read all the time (books, billboards,boxes,number plates), solving sudoku, play games that are mind stimulating, make myself think all the time, question. This is my alone time, my own amusement, and I love that about me. Probably, the only one thing that I like :)

As the time progressed, I realized that I am lonely. There are so many stimuli in the world, especially XXI century world. Yet I want an intelligent, witty, deep, vulnerable, humorous about its own ego, creative person that comes with a background music. Somebody to react to and from. An inspiration and strength.

And I realized, that's OK.