I EAT CAVIAR AND CRIED

I eat caviar and cried.

I eat caviar and cried. Shall I go on, or you know where this is heading.

Weekend plans: depression ahead.

I eat caviar and cried. I will repeat the sentence until I find out what was it I cried over. Was it maybe that I have been sleeping alone for too long?

Chapter one: A man loved me. A beautiful, gorges man fell in love with me. Generous man who loved me unconditionally. So kind and thoughtful and so good it almost hurt. He had light around him, a halo if you will that was illuminating, and a cute giggly smile. And he was my best friend. He was my first, he was all my firsts. He was my life, the air I breath, the food for my cells. I loved what he liked, I supported his football team, I listened to his music, I dressed for him. And then…I grew up and we grew apart. You see here, I am talking about him in past tense. Easier to pretend he died than crashing down the image of a perfect husband and father of my children. I still love him, I do, and he still loves me, yet now, we are different people, looking for the same thing.

Chapter two: After chapter one, the day after tomorrow followed. I didn’t have energy to get up out of bed, didn’t want to shower and lost all hope of ever smiling again, let along being happy, I didn’t wonna love again. Until a gal found a job. Renaissance. When least expected, and from last person on Earth that he would, he kissed me. I though it was just sex, that’s all I needed, that’s all I wanted. And it was good sex. Until, he invited me to dinner. ’I’m walking down this narrow road, the cross road is ahead, wind is blowing in my back, and if it blows in the left direction, I go left’, he said to me. The naïve little me, I asked the things he had seen. We spent our time and our short romance on a tiny island, it felt as if he showed me the world. I became somebody else. Maybe I loved him, he didn’t love me.

Chapter three: I eat caviar and cried. I am still lost between two worlds, no no, not between these two great men in my life, but the worlds.

I am an honest person. Too honest for a first date. My best friend told me that she admired me for being so open. I guess, I tell my flows before somebody can point them out for me. But man don’t like the open cards on the table, they like mystery and game. Competitive is me, mysterious, not. She is opposite of me and she’s got a man to fall asleep and wake up with.

I am eating caviar and crying.