THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I don't know who 'me' is lately. It's hard, it's weighting me down , it's confusing, it's negative, it's unhappy, it wants to cry all the time, eyes heavy, it's chaos, it's not pure like I used to be, it's unlike 'me'. Living on borrowed skin.

I feel alone, not lonely. House is full of children and pets and parents and food and friends, comers and goers. Our door is always open, like a church portal, everyone is welcome and mum and I love playing hosts. It has been this way since they invented doors to close, but not in our house, not in my house. I wouldn't know any other way, but I don't have alone time. And when I am at home because I cannot be happy not even in the sun, I haunt for lesser evil. It exhausts me. Why does my heart feel so bad?

I cannot sit and just be. Once I ran towards me, now I am running away. Get in touch with whatever I call 'my muse'. I cannot hear her from the screams of my life. She is not loud but she is always right. I cannot feel her.If I saw anything great, it was long time ago. Haven't kissed anyone in a long time. Rather, I feel negative arrows pressing me from all the directions, poking every inch of my body, crushing my will, I am kneeling now, my head bowed, ashamed. There is nothing sweet about me now. I am disgusted by myself how can I blame you for not wanting me now? 


With whole word against me (for that is how I feel) there is nothing to hold on to, to pull me up. I've got only myself and I do not know who me is! My eyes shut hard from the pain, unable to see the light. My head at my feet, cannot look up to see the salvage. My arms tied behind my back, can't reach. I'm biting my tongue, can't express, can't explain...sitting there crying. 


Now I've got only dark to shine, burning bright. 
But this too shall pass.