This morning I walked to my 'romantic shelf' (yeah, I've got one), containing Jane Austen novels, Love Poems, 'Love Letters of Great Women', chick lit novels and so on. I stumbled across 'Jane Austen's Guide to Romance' by Lauren Henderson, bought the book, never even looked at it, shame! Well, I did now and found this! Enjoy and learn ;)
Chapter One:
If you like someone, make it clear that you do
Be open and easygoing. If you like a man, show him that you do. Show him that you're happy to hear from him, return his calls within at least a couple of days, and if you like the sound of an invitation, accept it, without holding out for what you've heard is the 'right' first-date invitation or being sulky because you expected an expensive dinner and you've been asked to the cinema instead.
Enjoy the moment. Take pleasure in what you're doing at the time. Let the attraction grow naturally. Keep your feet firmly on the ground- don't lose yourself in someone new.
Take time to get to know new people. Make allowances for whom may be shy, and who may not reveal their personalities the first time you talk to them. Though they may not be an instant attraction it may come with time; keep your options open by waiting to see if someone grows on you.
Don't rush. Don't put pressure on a new relationship to be the love of your life when it's only been going on for a couple of weeks. Don't force anything along.
Don't chase a man. Let him come after you. Don't call him more than he calls you. Don't make excuses for his tardiness or luck of enthusiasm. If he seemed keen but then pulled back, let him go.
Don't make snap judgements. Don't be blinded by your own present ideas of what you are looking for. The right person for you may not be the same as the ideal image you've constructed in your head. Don't make a template of who you want and reject people instantly because they don't fit into it.
Tips for telling a man really likes you:
- He will ask you for dates in advance- though he may spontaneously call and ask you out for the same night, he will also plan ahead to schedule time you can spend together.
- When he kisses you, he will take your hand and kiss it, or give you an extra good-night kiss on the forehead- he'll kiss you on the mouth, too, but his attentions to you will be romantic as well sexual.
- He will remember things you told him about what you've been doing at work or socially, and ask you how they went.
- He won't make you feel insecure; he will call when he says he will and turn up on time for your dates.
- He will make an effort with his appearance- on your dates he will be well dressed and groomed
- He may well call or e-mail you after a date to say what a great time he had. This is one of the best signs of all that he likes you seriously!
- He will make you feel included in his life by telling you about his day, his friends and interests.
Chapter Two:
Don't put your feelings on public display, unless they're fully reciprocated
Avoid giving more than you get. Don't let yourself get into a situation where the person you are dating is taking you for a ride and not really interested in a serious relationship with you. Don't throw yourself blindly at someone-you'll lose yourself and forget what you really want and need.
Keep your self-control. You might fall head over heels for a man you meet at a party, but you know very little about someone you've only talked to for a couple of hours. Even if you fall into bed with him that very night, you still hardly know him! Which is why it's a good idea to take things slowly and maintain self-control so you can work out what kind of person he really is, and whether he can be trusted with your love.
Be discriminating. There are plenty of attractive people out there with whom you will be compatible. Just because someone is flirting with you and you are attracted to him doesn't mean that you shouldn't give yourself time to see how strong the compatibility is.
Don't overconfide in your friends. People- even ones with the best intentions- gossip terribly. In the early stages, play your cards close to your chest. Overconfiding can also make you obsessive about a man- don't talk about someone new constantly. Remind yourself that you have a life!
Don't overindulge your feelings. The more you dwell on your lover for him, the sicker you are making yourself. If your love is clearly hopeless, try not to think about it every hour of the day and night. Distract yourself as much as possible and put it from your mind. It will make your recovery much faster.
Don't get into a competition. Remember, you should be letting him chase you, not chasing him! And that means not putting your feeling more on display than his are. If a man is making you feel that you need to war against other potential prospects for his attention, it's a big warning sign. Instead, he should make you feel that you are the only person he really wants to get to know. If he doesn't, you should cross him off your list immediately. Any relationship you have with him will always make you feel insecure.
Tips for showing a man you like him without going overboard:
- When he tells you look gorgeous, don't respond by paying him a complement in return. Instead, say, 'You make me feel gorgeous.' Trust me- he will love this much more than hearing that he's handsome, because his main concern should be pleasing you.
- Spontaneously comment on something he's wearing and tell him how much you like it- not to return a compliment he's paid you, but just because you want to.
- Always thank him for taking you out and choosing a film/ restaurant/ concert you enjoyed-but don't thank him more than once-once is enough.
- Comment on things he talked about on previous dates; if you saw an article about something he's interested in, you can mention it. But don't cut that article out and bring it along, or e-mail it to him- that's too much.
- If he e-mails or texts you after your date to say what a nice time he had, respond in kind. But keep it short, and if he sends you another message, don't answer the second one.
- Try not to contact him spontaneously with your news in the first month of dating, even if you think you have something to tell him that he'll really enjoy. He's not your boyfriend yet- save that for later, when you've been going out for a while. But if he contacts you spontaneously, by all means don't keep him waiting too long for an answer
- Don't dump problems on him in the early stages of dating that he can't really help with (like a fight with your mother). But by all means ask him for practical help- men adore showing you how to programme your TV or helping you plan a route for a trip you're taking. Helping a woman fix a concrete, solvable problem always makes a man feel wonderful!
Chapter Three:
Don't play games or lead people on
Have fun! First, get out there, meet new people, enjoy yourself. But also control yourself- use your flirting skills with tact and discretion. Remember, one of the previous rules was to be discriminating.
Be on your guard for people who are trying to play you. Keep your eyes open and don't give away too much of yourself too soon.
Use your flirting skills as a way to get to know people, not as an end in themselves.
Don't be a toxic flirt, addicted to leading people on. Like all addictions, it will take you over. You'll end up messing up other people-and yourself.
Don't flirt to get attention and flattery. You need to get your self-esteem from within yourself, not from other people who don't know the real you.
Don't assume that playing games in the way to a man's heart. Don't try to make him feel jealous by flirting with other men, or pretending that you don't remember him when he calls, or telling him that you're busy for the next two weeks to make yourself seem popular-in the end, a nice man will take these indicators as a snub and will be less encouraged to ring you again, which isn' t what you want!
Tips for spotting a toxic flirt:
- He is all over you from the first moment he meets you, even before you've exchanged two words.
- He asks you very little about yourself and your life, preferring to flirt wildly instead.
- His banter is sexually charged and he pays you lots of exaggerated compliments.
- If you're out with your friends, he tries to separate you from the group instead of joining in and getting to know the people you're with.
- He asks for your number as soon as he can, and may suggest that the two of you go to a late-night bar that same evening, where he will try to seduce you.
- He puts pressure on you to have sex with him the first time you go out.
Chapter Four:
Have faith in your own instincts
Listen to your own inner voice. If a man looks great on a paper, but there's simply something about him that doesn't work for you, don't force yourself against your instincts into dating him. It will never work out.
Learn to trust yourself. If a man seems too good to be true, he probably is. Don't be so swayed by compliments or courtship that you deliberately blind yourself to faults of his and may mean the relationship has no future.
Keep yourself grounded. What really happens when someone sweeps you off your feet? You lose your balance and he's still standing up. Is that what you want to happen at the start of a relationship?
Don't be overpersuaded by your friends. You're the one who has to date him, not them. Of course, your friends will be right if they try to put you off an addict, cheater or axe murderer. But don't be pushed into a relationship you don't feel is right for you just because your friends are keen on the person- and don't break up with someone you like and who treats you well because he doesn't immediately gel with your friends.
Don't be self-destructive. Don't be so desperate for a relationship that you go against the healthy self-protective instincts that we all possess. Learn to listen to and be guided by them.
Don't be fulled by flattery. Be wary of someone who tries to overwhelm you with compliments. How did he get to be so good at that? You'll end up just another mark on his well-notched bedpost.
Tips for spotting a man who's trying to reel you and then dump you:
- He will keep you off balance by being unreliable- not calling when he says he will, cancelling dates without much notice.
- He won't introduce you to his friends- he doesn't want you to feel the security of being part of his life.
- He will talk about things you can do together in the future that, somehow never materialize- if you bring them up, he will have an excuse as to why they're not possible right now.
- He will try to rush you into bed with him before you're ready- he may ask to come into your apartment every chance he gets, using an excuse like wanting a cup of coffee or to use your bathroom, hoping that he can seduce you once he gets you alone.
- He will try to make you feel that you have a special bond with him very quickly, when realistically you known that you haven't dates him long enough for one to have formed.
Chapter Five:
Don't fall for superficial qualities
Look beneath the surface. Just because he's pretty on the outside, he may not necessarily be pretty on the inside. Try not to be overly distracted by his good looks.
Check out how people treat others, not just you. They may be good to you at first, but if they treat other people badly, that's how they'll end up behaving to you as well.
Cut your losses if necessary. If someone initially dazzled you with his good looks and charm, but now you see beneath his facade and realize that the man underneath is not someone you can respect or have things in common with, don't stay with him just because the sexual attraction is still strong. It will never be the kind of relationship you're looking for- he will never change into the man you mistakenly thought he was.
Don't be fooled by charm.I can't say this often enough- someone who's too good to be true probably is. Take time to get to know him, and be wary of a man who's representing himself as perfect.
Don't date someone who's treating you like arm candy. You'll know soon enough what his true motive is- he won't ask questions about your life, your interests, or anything that really defines you as a person, not just a pretty face.
Don't date someone because he has qualities you wish you had. Being with someone more gorgeous, or charming, or extroverted than you can be very seductive. But if you're doing it because you think you're lucking in those qualities, it will only make you feel more insecure- because he has what you think you don't. Work on your own self-esteem instead, and don't try to artificially boost yourself through your boyfriend.
Tips for telling is a man is only using you as arm candy:
- He regularly tells you that you should dress more sexily- miniskirts, high heels, revealing tops.
- He pressures you to go to gym.
- He criticizes you if you order chips or any other fattening food.
- He loves to show you off in public places and will keep his hand on you (on your arm or the small of your back) as he steers you around the room, indicating that you're his 'property'.
- He never shows much interest in your life or your work- the conversation tends to be all about him.
Chapter Six:
Look for someone who can bring out your best qualities
Keep your own values. If someone doesn't have the same fundamental value system as you- and, worse, if they try to sway you from what you know to be right- you are not in a good relationship.
Choose someone who brings out the best in you. Your boyfriend should help you to strengthen your positive qualities and suppress the negative ones.
Support him as much as he supports you. It's a two-way street. If you're both helping each other reach your goals in life and be nicer, happier people, you have a much greater chance of maintaining a successful, strong relationship.
Don't try to change your boyfriend in major way. Either decide you can put up with his annoying quirks, or leave him. If you start trying to change him, you will turn into a nag, and you will end up hating yourself.
Don't be influenced by his bad behavior. Don't get stuck into doing things that you feel aren't good for you. Don't stay around someone who wants to drag you down.
Don't put all the blame on him. You chose him, after all. If he's not good for you, why did you pick him in the first place? Instead of blaming him, spend your time more usefully by figuring out why you made that mistake so you won't repeat it in the future.
Tips for telling if you're with someone who brings out your worst qualities:
- You're stuck in a rut of criticizing each other, without the situation ever improving.
- You feel irritable most of the time you spend with him, without being able to put your finger on exactly why.
- You change your outfit or your hair five minutes going out on a date with him, never sure whether you've picked the image of yourself that will please him.
- You disagree with a lot of his core values, but you tell yourself that it doesn't matter, because they have nothing to do with your relationship.
- You find yourself doing things when out with him that you would never normally do- things you don't mention to your friends because you know they would disapprove.
Chapter Seven:
Don't settle- don't marry for money, or convenience or out of loneliness
Have faith you will meet the right person. There are so many people out there to meet- you don't need to compromise for less than love.
Marry primarily for love - and all the other important values we're discussing. But if money comes along with love, by all means enjoy it!
Be positive about being single. Sure, you want a relationship- but you want the right one, and it's only sensible to be choosy. You're better off single than in an unsatisfactory relationship or marriage.
Don't settle. It will only make you discontented and restless, and it's not fair to the person you're settling for.
Don't expect money in itself to make you happy. It won't.
Don't treat men like cash cows. it's lovely when they take you out to dinner, or on holiday, or buy you nice presents. But treat them as people and give them respect, because you want to be respected in return. And no one has respect for a gold digger.
Tips for working out if you are settling, and interested more in a man's money than him:
- You talk to your girlfriends about how much he makes and the nice places he takes you, not about his good qualities.
- You spend a lot of time planning your fantasy wedding- the dress, the centerpieces, the setting- but the face of the groom is always hazy.
- You are so excited when someone well off asks you out that you don't stop to ask yourself how much you really like him.
- You have a preformed idea in your head about the kind of man you will end up with, and it's more about the lifestyle you will have together than anything else.
- You are desperate to have a baby, and see marriage as a means to that end, rather than something you want for itself.
- You focus more on a man's financial status than his compatibility with you.
Chapter Eight:
Be witty if you can, but not cynical, indiscreet or cruel
Be spontaneous. There's where the best humor comes from.
Find someone who makes you laugh. That's the best way of making sure you feel relaxed with him. And it will make a bond that lasts for the rest of your life.
Laugh at yourself! This will stop you from taking yourself too seriously. And surround yourself with people who can laugh at you affectionately, too.
Don't be bitchy. If you really have to make snide comments, save them for your friends. cattiness will turn off a man who's attracted to you.
Don't use humor as defence. If you do, it will stop you from getting as close to someone as you want. Defensive humour will deflect the honesty and simplicity that are crucial for building a relationship.
Don't be cynical. You have to open up and be loving to be loved.
Tips for seeing if you're using humour or cynicism as a defence against your insecurity:
- You're never short of a wisecrack- you are always filling awkward silences with a joke, especially when those silences might lead to an honest declaration of your feelings.
- When a man gives you a compliment, you immediately wonder what he wants from you, instead of simply enjoying it.
- You feel that it's you job to 'entertain' everyone, as if people will only like you while you keep them laughing.
- If you're quite or thoughtful, people ask you what's the matter- they're used to you always being bubbly.
- When you recount to your friends a compliment your boyfriend paid you, you have to dismiss it jokingly immediately afterwards- 'he really needs to get his eyes checked!'- as if you don't quite feel you deserve it.
Chapter Nine:
Be prepared to wait for the right person to come along
Let him know that you can't be rushed. He will respect you that much more than if you show him you're not so desperate for a relationship that you will let him sweep you off your feet in a mere couple of weeks.
Be brave. Hold out for someone you really love, with whom you are compatible. There are millions of people out there- the odds are that you're going to find the right person, as long as you don't settle for something less.
Pace yourself. You can ruin a budding relationship by being in too much of a hurry. Remember- enjoy the moment!
Don't stay with someone out of fear of being alone. it's bad for you-you keep yourself from meeting the real Mr Right- and it's equally cruel to the man you're settling for.
Don't be persuaded by others against your own instincts. You're the only one who can judge whether your relationship is giving you what you need. Just because your mother likes him doesn't mean he's right for you!
Don't be desperate. Keep reminding yourself that you are fabulous and valuable, and that finding the right match sometimes takes time.
Tips for telling if you are too much of a rush with your new man:
- You're doodling your first name and his surname over pieces of paper to see what it looks like.
- You want to show him off to your friends before you've even had a chance to get to know him properly.
- All you friends know his name, his shoe size, and the team he supports after your third date- you have to swear to secrecy when they meet him in case they let slip how much information they already have about him.
- After a few dates, you are planning gourmet dinners you can cook for him, featuring his favourite foods, to snow him what a good wife you'll make
- You bone up on the bands he likes and his favourite TV programmes so you can talk to him about them and show him how compatible you two are.
- Every time he e-mails you, you spend hours composing a reply that you hope it will please him
- You keep buying him presents- CDs and books by people he's mentioned he likes, or a sweater he seemed to admire in a shop window.
Chapter Ten:
If your lover need a reprimand, let him have it
Stand up for yourself. If someone is doing something you really don't like, tell him, and be prepared to end the relationship if it doesn't change.
Make your criticisms in the right way. Reprimanding someone as soon as he behaves badly is the best time to do it, instead of sorting up grudges that will only fester. But choose your words wisely and stay focused. Don't exaggerate, and don't drag in other things that have nothing to do with the subject under discussion.
Be honest. Don't be indirect about any problems you may have and hope the person will understand your subtle hints. No man can be expected to read your mind or to figure out why you are doing the classic female thing of seeming offended but saying nothing's wrong! be brave enough to tell him about things that really matter to you, even if that means you have to open yourself up to him.
Don't try to change your lover in vain. Don't stick around, hoping a man will change, if it's clear that your comments have had no effect on him.
Don't burden a new relationship with problems from the past. Come to each relationship with as clean a slate as you can manage. If you can't do that, you're not ready to date yet- you need to take more time to recover from the past.
Don't be selfish. Telling your lover when something isn't working for you is not a licence to impose unfair demands on him! Make sure that your criticisms are reasonable and that you've taken the time you need to think them through.
Tips for telling if you need to bring up something that's bothering you:
- It's been on your mind for ages- you've tried to drop subtle hints, but to no avail.
- You feel it's something important to you, but he doesn't realize how much is bothering you.
- What's troubling you is something he is capable of changing- like being late, or referring to his ex-girlfriends frequently- not a deeply rooted character trait, which you will never get him to change.
- Be wary of trying to get between him and his mates- don't ask him to cancel his regular weeknight poker with the boys, for example. He will think you are trying to take away his freedom, and react very badly.
- Talk it over with your girlfriends first to make sure that you are making a reasonable demand: you need to make these requests of him sparingly. You wouldn't like it if he were always on at you about little things you do. Give him the same tolerance you want him to give you.
