DEATH BY CHOCOLATE

Basically, that is how I am going to die, if the car does not get the best of me. I should really be more careful when crossing the street. I don't have an invisible shield to protect me from buses or any smaller vehicles which can do good damage. Because of people like me, a genius invented a stick with the tree colors changing on it....but noooo...that's not good enough for me!

So, if I concentrate enough to watch the colors change on the stick and follow the little green man, opposed to a little red one, I'll die by chocolate. There is something condoling in this thought, (Johnny Depp?) or is it just me? Self fulfilling prophecy?

I can not say I have many addictions,but surly one of them is chocolate. If I do not get enough of sleep and don't have my 100gr of chocolate dose, wrapped in a shiny- colorful paper, don't come near. Stay away. Wouldn't be cool if like many poisonous animals, I'd send out the warning by the color. Do not touch, do not say hi, go around your business! No I do not need a shrink, I need a chocolate therapy, chocolate massage followed by a chocolate bath while a handsome young man (Johnny Depp?) is feeding me strawberries dipped in chocolate!

As any addiction, this would be the thing you can bribe me with. I'd do anything! Just give it to me! And this would be the one and only reason why would I kill my brother! If he eats the last chocolate or Nutella! He better not be home when I find the empty jar. I'm serious!

Final summation: GIVE ME THE CHOCOLATE AND NO BODY GETS HURT!

Why would you kill you sibling?

CHINESE LAUNDRY

The blank truth is that I am twenty and have no idea about life. I see, I hear, I feel but do not know how. I do not now how to balance. And seeing, makes me believe that most probably I will never ever manage to balance. Balance things in life.Chinese laundry for me. Love, work, school, pain, happiness, End of Thinking Capacity.

For the record, I do not see balance as success in all the aspects of life I am engaging in that specific moment. I see balance as a simple harmony of all the aspects. However, harmony to me equals to stress-free time.

Lately, I picked men out of my life. Leaving me only to care for my work. Caring allows that something to have the undeniable opportunity to throw you off track. At this moment in me life I do not wish to improve my 'career' but my private life. Stress and exhaustion from work do not live me enough energy to do the things that do make me happy. This is what I mean when I say I would never learn how to balance!

I think this all is happening because I live by the believe 'who angers you controls you'. I am not ready to be controlled, I do not want to surrender, no matter what. I want to live, to breath.

Hard-headiness would be my biggest flaw. I like flaws. They are human-like. I won't quite but till the last atom of my energy will I try to balance.

THE I...

I write because I think I can! I write because I think I have to know everything. I write because I read. I read a lot. I wish I could read every book ever printed containing everything I do not know. I wish I have a library. I wish I am the library. I wish I had a garden, then I would have everything. I found my soul-mate, now I am looking for something more extraordinary than that. Extraordinary I can find in books, in words. I try to celebrate extraordinary by creating. Process of creativity relaxes me. When I finish a craft or a story feels as if I can overcome and solve any problem. . I cry when I cannot express. I want to make you understand. I think too much, I write to you.

THIS ISN'T MAYBE!

I am not an illiterate girl. I am a danger to a man of no or of one book. I know how to fall in love and how to close a chapter with an astonishing sentence. I can produce a summary to a tale you do want to read.

I'll embrace any plot that comes my way. I recognize the truth of an existent climax. I interconnect and feel with characters. I like and dislike, but I'll go on. I don't give up that easily. I don't get bored and/or annoyed that easily.

Don't argue with me. I'll use big words on you. I can. I know how to choose them, well. I met with rising stars, talked to the famous. Set with kings and queens, cooked with French chefs, fought alongside pirates and prayed with popes, all with one library card.

We'll get outside where it feels real. Knowing that there is an end. I can feel it. I don't need to tell you everything, you know.

I am not an illiterate girl. Do not undermine me, I said goodbye to so many heroes.

CURRENTLY

• Feeling alive during the day, at work, and when come home just wonna sleep :(
• Bought meself a Week Planner so I won't sleep when come home! Wrote a big 'DO IT' all over it! I promise I'll try
• Bought 4 books last Wednesday, one of them, 'Secret Garden'. Daddy got me 4 more today- Happy!
• Bought materials with Mum out of which she made a kitchen curtain, pillowcases for kitchen chairs and one kitchen cloth hanging on the oven! Too cute :)
• Planned, decided and agreed on everything for redecorating washroom into an office. Tomorrow going to perches the materials! Can't wait!
• Generally happy at work
• No men in me life and once again in harmony with self
• Djokovic unbeaten this year! :)
• Looking forward to my paid week off
• Concerned over the Libya situation
• Got back into my reading mood
• No inspiration
• Being prepared for any kind of weather
• Listening to music instead of watching dubious TV shows
• Helping Bro with his studies and projects. Having my fun
• Secretly thanking the genius who invented the headphones
• No time for overthinking- peace
• Not sleeping well and/or enough
• Luving this picture!

DEAR ME,

6 months ago I wrote a letter to myself!

When moving in and out of the harmony club, did I find it. It was dated 11.03.2011. - the opening. I remembered it today and tore the envelope! I printed it, did even handwrite it! LOL

I am so happy about me, and me 6 months ago and how I think 6 months ago Tea is sweet and cute and loves me today :) I must admit that the letter is very well written, proud of 6 months ago Tea! I believe it was after 2am when she wrote to me, yet she sounds so optimistic, happy and hopeful for me today.

She told me about her 'work- problems' (on which I am laughing now, and just gesturing off). Everything passes, everything gets forgotten, you get to know people and you start to respect them and dismiss the first judges and impression you had of them. You become friends. I realize I've given time, patience and second chances to others, as well as they did to me. While I was thinking I am an impatient, one chance, unforgivable person. She taught me differently.

Somehow, she sounds young and immature. Is it possible? 6 months? Shows me the time frame in which I learned and grew, experienced and got hurt, lived, laughed and cried, since then.

She told me about her hopes and wishes, which, during, became my daily routine, my bible, a path I am on and still walking, slowly.

While she was talking about her love life, it seemed shallow as if she was closing her eyes on what was actually happening, building walls to protect her feelings. Now, I want the truth- no matter how painful, I want to see it and feel it, get hurt and get up! Now, I let it happen, not ignore it and pretend it is not there. Yet, she sounds so happy!

The only wish she had for me is to BE HAPPY AND STAY HAPPY and I am and I did. Thank you Tea,I love you!

FOR SERVANTLESS

And yes! Servant-less it is a word if written in capitals, Julia!

Just finish Julia & Julie movie for the second time! Watched with me Mom. Made her watch it, if you wish! For the things that she is passing in her life at the moment, for her love of cooking and talent over the dead meet on a plate!

While we are at the food. You'll be all proud that I made dinner today! Yeah, it's happening! It was humble brusceta (or however Italians spell it, if it is an Italian word at all). I made it!

Back to my two Julia(e)s. Before I pressed play, me Mom popped open a bottle of wine, and a cheap bag of crisps. My favorite! Salt and vinger one. And we enjoyed going back and forth of 1949 and 2002, Paris, Marseille, Oslo and NY Queens. Luved it!

Got the motivation to keep on my blogging and hope for more than 2 page-views a day :) Hope that in the future, deadlines will actually mean something to me and a wish for a saint to live with :)

Might cook MY chicken recipe tomorrow!!! N you know which one!

UFO

I hate Facebook applications. Skip every each one of them! I HATE THEM! (I use word 'hate' too often and yet don't know what it means) I DO NOT DO THEM!

Until yesterday, anyhow.

The name of the application got me. As if it was made to suck me in, make me smile, excite. Prompt, even maybe. Unexpected, the least unexpected thing that I love to come across and think hard about. Make myself believe it came with a reason, a purpose. I like to think that. I choose to. (another strong word, and another thing that I do not know what really means, or choose not to).

So, I opened my 'Life Box' and I found in it a UFO. A UFO!!!! Seriously?!!!

I stared hard in the pink sunglasses that where representing the mysterious UFO of my day. I was determine to find what, who was that UFO on Sunday. And guess what?! I found it! I did it!

Long story short. I do stupid things after 2am and believe strongly in decisions I make in the middle of the night or early morning, very early morning. So one night, few nights ago, out of nowhere, I idiotically, wrote a LOVE LETTER to a FRIEND! Yeah! Shut up, we all did it, but I was the only one that actually sent it!

Of course, we both ignored it. In a passing of a sentence did he tell me NO. Of course it is a NO. Since he said a NO, I was relieved. I got the meaningful answer and since it was a negative, I do not want to hear or look for answers. NO is enough for me, I can live with a NO, not so sure woulda coulda shoulda with the explanation.

However, I was a happy people on a Sunday and was looking forward to coming home and doing nothing when he called and told me he's going to the movies with the colleague, same sex as me. And boy, did I get jealous?! Apart from scaring him, I managed to f*ck up my rest of the day. As always, for no apparent reason.

To sum up. That moronic reaction and emotion I felt when the phone call took place was my UFO. But, I guess it is no more UFO if I found out what it was. Does this even make sense? Does it need to! At the end, it is MY 'Life Box'!

P.S. (it means Post Scripted- I find:D) Today's find in my 'Life Box' is Obama! hahahahahah... My new BFF! I like to think of him as unexpected new friend or unexpected visitor, as horoscope says :D Happy he's 'African- American'! ;) Am I politically correct or what?

I WISH I HAD A YELLOW UMBRELLA

Just had one of those loooong loooong showers with hoooot hooot water where you want to wash away everything. Followed by those 20 minutes of staring at your mirror reflection and wandering is that really me?! No thinking, just looking at the person looking back at you. No trying to find flaws but trying not to break the connection. You are naked, but don't feel cold, yet standing all alone. There is a feeling, even if you slept with the whole damn planet, you'll still feel rejected. Then the head movement to the right, physiological and emotional, looking at the picture from a different angle. And if nothing happens after few seconds, you'll tilt your head on the opposite side. Closing you eye lids in order to focus the picture, but now you are looking through the mirror. Trying to see what it is really inside that other person looking back at you.

Then it hits you! You stand up straight, taking a deep breath, your shoulders are going backwards, widening your posture. And if you are a girl, that is the first time you take a moment to appreciate your chest. Putting your hands on your hips, your eyes start scanning down the person in the mirror, while stopping just under your belly button. Taking another deep breath, allowing the O2 to flow to your brain only to acknowledge the awkwardness. Eyes up! Falling into the connection again.

Yet another deep breath. Your guts (read-insides) feel with pride and you decide something. Anything, but you decide. You allow yourself to believe in that decision since it is not after 2am. You stick to that decision. As if you want to prove the person in the mirror wrong! You are determine in it. When you realize it, you want to look at your face, to see yourself looking determine, but you lost it already. That is when you start feeling coldish and decide to dress up.

When this happens, campers, do not go out of that bathroom with the only decision to dress up!

CURRENTLY

• I'm sick! Fever!
• Angry! Got two days off due to my illness and did no writing. Apparently when have fever don't have inspiration. Feel me?
• Giving myself to the guilty pleasures of '30Rock'
• E's birthday
• Listening to the Amy McDonald radio - never ending talent
• Trying to wrap my head over all the articles I have to write for PavliStyle but laziness coming my way which I am embracing
• Stuff party! Best night of my life! Thank you Aia. We all needed it! :)
• Breaking my old boundaries, setting up new ones
• Agreeing to help my colleague with English
• Aia telling us that we will have a week of paid leave, coming home excited and planning to travel somewhere for few days, but not gonna happen since all the flights cost million euros due to the easter holidays. So have to stay on the island. Have no idea what will do! Will keep you posted on this one
• Hitting my head against the wardrobe in the dark -headache
• Watching pointless comedies because can't concentrate
• Falling asleep when try to read :(

What are up to currently?

VIVA LA VIDA

Modern generations are physically exhausting themselves to live the life with no regrets. I do it too.

I'd rather live the life of 'oh wells' than of 'what if is'. Taking every chance that represents itself, trying with all my might to get what I want. Leaving nothing to slip through my fingers. Because I know, when I get older I am going to forget my mistakes and slips and over-reactions on what I thought was important to me in specific phases of my life. And just regret things I did not do. Dwell over them like a child as the time is the only thing I cannot go back to.

Living day by day, doing what I want and what I feel like doing, whiles trying not to hurt anybody. And if I get hurt, that doesn't mean I'm hurting but only ever learning. I am so obsessed of having a good day that have no time to be concerned over a happy ending. Believing in karma and in happy thoughts, guide me through my days.

Letting myself be fascinated and inspired with anyone and anything. Hearing the music of someone I do not know and moving my hips to the rhythm of the melody. Not trying to change nothing but learn how love it for what it is. Knowing that nothing would come my way that I'm not ready for, cannot deal with or not recognize how to embrace it. When hear bad news I try to pop open a bottle of champagne.

Allowing my dreams to mean something.

MASQUERADE

As any other other day, I didn't feel like going to work. As any other day, I got up from my *ss, showered and left the house. As any other day, the shift started as any other day. Until- look at the pictures!!!!!!

Since I was a very very young girl, me Mom used to dress me up for carnivals. I used to win too. Luved it every single time :) However, when grew up, as if I did, I stopped dressing up. Not stopped, forgot most of the times to put some thought on the costume and then it is always too late. Or it is just an excuse...

Anywho, I was so excite when the manager took out the masks out of the bag! :) I rocked, we rocked the masks! It was soooo fun!

At least, tomorrow I'll be excite to go to work!:)

CURRENTLY

• Found my happy place to write at, cafe Mint
• Eating, once again, THE best white chocolate cheese cake
• Having a free morning and afternoon, going round and about before have to go to work, as if I have a life, doing something interesting
• Having a date with Mom...while I'm writing, she decided to start recording her thoughts in a Diary. My idea :D She's gonna luv it
• Decided I am going to start studying Philosophy, whatever that means
• Planning and throwing around ideas about the office me and Mom will make. Office or a craft room. Excite!
• About to become a part of something ridiculous, fun, interesting and inspiring yet shocking for this mentality. And it's a once in a life time stupidity. Will tell you more about it as the planning and organization reveals itself. I am just gonna say that it will take place on the 13th of March. Sunday
• Watching Oscar movies. 'Heartlocker' and 'King's speech'. WOah to both!
• Writing articles for Pavlistyle
• Completely moved back to my parents. Panicking!
• Loving my friends
• Hating tequila
• Planning to make a record of all my books, will take time, planning and organization
• Enjoying the sunny days as an alternative to the wicked winds last week
• Drinking cappuccinos
• Missing sailor
• Not getting enough sleep,still happy
• Making a travel box (where we will put money each week and 'save')
• Thinking, too much in my opinion, about the tattoo I'm in luv it but afraid of the life with it and pain of doing it.
• Celebrating Bulgarian 1st of March tradition by wearing a red/white bracelet. It is for good health, prosperity, and mainly for fertility in all life aspects. On the first day of spring I am to take it off and hang it on a fruit tree (symboling the fertility)
• Got the idea of Europe round trip, made my map...the only thing I need is round 6000e to buy a good car and convince at least 2 people to tag along with me for few months. Something to day dream about :)

REMEMBER, GYPSY NEVER GETS LONELY or bored, for that matter!!!!

That is why I carry my life with me. I meant my bag, the Marry Poppins' one!

I am scared of loneliness, most probably because I was never lonely for real, therefore am scared of the unknown. I'd do anything to make sure it does not come to that!

Will organize myself to the last minute, so there won't be extra time to over-thinking or for the moment of realization of the reality. I don't accept if I don't like. Prefer the truth, yet if its a painful one, usually it is, I compress the knowledge of it deep deep down, for some time, pretend that the elephant is not in my living room watching Simpsons and farting. If I find time would deal with it, grieve, look back and try desperately to find a meaning and definition of the nonsense or feelings. Dig for the life lesson, if there is one and condole with self on the experience. Am honest person which needs to learn how to bend the truth, find the right timing and become more tactful as an alternative to my hard-headiness. So organization!

Always keep a book with me. For many reasons. I love reading and that is why it is in my bag. Second, I'll never get bored in the bus or waiting for someone. That is the main reason why printed pages glued together and wrapped in a nice cover are with me, due to my despise of the thought on waiting. Books!

Another essentials in me bag are, a small notebook and a pen. However, I do my homework at home. Apart from food food, I have a portion of brain food daily. Read (inspiration/motivations/creative ideas), anything, really, that I find interesting I'll write it down, for future references! lol... If my mind is blank, happens ay, or I get a wave of negative thoughts I'll read something from it and think about it. Really hard! In it one can find quotes, poetry, insults, funny sayings, deep thoughts, lyrics, and most importantly names of the songs from which I get inspirations for titles. Keeping this little chronicle of beautiful of mine as well helps my eyes and ears on the street, if see or hear something have space where to write it. Inspiration book and a pen!

Sunglasses! To hide when sleeping. It is not polite when somebody's trying to talk to you and you are trying your best to make him/ her disappear.

Dice! When with friends, always have something to play with. This is an awkward sentence, but bear with me.

Part of my uniform! This gives me the options of not going home, of doing something random, being spontaneous. Living the life, that is the feeling I get. Means a lot.

Umbrella and extra pair of socks! Giving me the security. Whatever comes my way, I'm ready for it! Cold, rain...rain, cold! Feels safe.

And a camera! To capture the moment. I usually miss it, however, just a reminder of it.

The thing is...I can't find anything in it!