MINIMALIST LOVE

Most probably, when I first started working did I first start living. Having an actual life as persona in progress, a single indented 'bring it on' girl. Did I first opened my eyes and for the first time heard and for the first time did I reflect on myself. Happiness.

At that time, I didn't know who I was, I didn't want to know. Everything came as a first, as interesting, as fun. I loved the unknown, the learning and trying on different characters. Pushing on the boundaries, going out of my comfort zone, questioning my values, loose of all the prejudice, ready to explore, wanting more. Freedom and laughter, carelessness...feeling blind. Actually, so much carelessness, that I began to wonder whether was there anything or anyone I cared for. Nothing could piss me off, throw me off track. I was bigger than life.

That scared me! If there isn't a thing to anger me or cause a reaction out of me, applying, nothing matters. I despise indifference and I am a female mammal, nursing is in my genes. So, in order to find who I am, I had to ask who I wanted to be, but before that I had to divorce myself from the person I was becoming. And I looked for it in SOLITUDE. It bought me time.

I've talked about who I am not, being the only known. I once again like knowing, so much more comforting than not knowing.

Loved, and still do, being alone. Thinking. I never think about myself, or reflect back, or go through orphaned memories, never revisit, it is too damn depressing and nostalgic. But I do think of words and sentences. Big fan of 'one word describing a whole'. Picture says a thousand words, I want one, only one! I like to hear or read a sentence, and then rewrite or recreate a whole different story. Anything, first raw thing that comes to my mind, and build around it, craft it, add, chop, polish and then I like to say 'print'.

I haven't exactly finished school. Which saddens me, a lot, even angers actually. And I have to add here too that I have zilch or self discipline. But! when it comes to my mind, I'll make sure it is in progress, it is challenged, getting daily food in form of information. Literally, I read all the time (books, billboards,boxes,number plates), solving sudoku, play games that are mind stimulating, make myself think all the time, question. This is my alone time, my own amusement, and I love that about me. Probably, the only one thing that I like :)

As the time progressed, I realized that I am lonely. There are so many stimuli in the world, especially XXI century world. Yet I want an intelligent, witty, deep, vulnerable, humorous about its own ego, creative person that comes with a background music. Somebody to react to and from. An inspiration and strength.

And I realized, that's OK.

I AM THE PARTY

Not one celebration of Mum's every single bone movement followed by the most horrific pain in her life, but two!

First one was at midnight, my colleagues cheering to the fact that I am even older and how will never get those precious years of my life back, ever! Cheering over Vodka, draining the bottle down and my birth suit will follow south. When got stupid enough, over Jose we were celebrating the fact that I am none the wiser and that probably my wisdom tooth will never follow through as my chest area showed previously in life. Yet, singing my talentless heart out over karaoke, the night ended pretty much how I did not plan it at all.

The second one almost did not happen. Thanks to unbelievably annoying colleague, we scrapped something up just to make her stop noising very near me. And of course, it was pretty amazing. Decorated the terrace with candles, moved Mum's jungle over to one side to find a scorpion and place for the food and fruit station. Food comity, Mum's responsibility and implacable talent to make something really fast for minimum or no cost what so ever. And fruit station for Sangria (my idea, Mum cut the fruit-I just did my nails :D) A bit more candles here and there floating in the ink colored water- ala Tea. And the Final Touch of mine were the name tags for the fruits and cut outs hanging from the umbrella saying 'happy birthday'. I think Jacob has few photos, when he gives them to me, will give a snick peek. Friends came with Shisha (or however you spell it- Google doesn't know it) which we couldn't make. I think Shisha's fine, though our IQ's might be a bit too low to operate such machinery. Everything was fabulous, the guests, the Sangria, the presents, the games we played. I couldn't not ask for more.

After my 5th Birthday, I can say this was a blast. I love you guys for making it special and for making me feel special and rather OLD! xxxxx

p.s. Just remembered (that's what p.s. stands for!) had another birthday bush as well. E took me to dinner few nights prior to the date and it was pleasant and quite and wine and cheese and beautiful weather and learning new things about E and it was good. Tnx E, luv u!

CURRENTLY

• Awake one hour before work. Proud.
• Enjoying the silent house, man in my bad.
• Cannot spell in the morning, Google Chrome rules!
• Went back to horrifying routine of sleeping and not carrying that time makes me older.
• Birthday coming up, loads of ideas for an ama'zin night, no wish to execute it. Strange.
• The Do.
• Pilling the onion of my personality. Volume.
• Clock watching.
• Living in a world or ignorance and talents.
• New jeans.
• Relaying on summer to solve my problems. How many summers will it take?
• Dog under the blanket.
• No WhyS.
• Being a friend.
• Cousin coming over. Prodigy.
• Ordering the worst salad ever. Pumpkin salad. Drinking Campari spritz.
• Nobody's girl. Still standing.
• Powered by the picture!

IT COMES WITH THE RAIN

SPRING! Spring comes with the rain!

The colors and strawberries. The smell of freshly cut grass and summer dresses. Firsts come with rain and spring. First time you wear a shorts and slippers after winter. First mirror check out with the bikini on. Putting the big, fat, cozy quilts away in alternative to a much lighter sheets. Full on music and open windows. Wind playing with your hair and enjoying the smell of your shampoo as if you couldn't smell it in cold months. New hair cuts. Smiles. Cocktails with girlfriends. Shopping. Promises to yourself that this summer will be better than the previous. Positive thoughts. Letting yourself be. Smell of the sea. Long walks. Going to woods. Watermelon cooling in the fridge. New found energy due to the ama'zin vitamin D. Going out on Tuesdays and rock & roll in all clubs. Lighter reads. Parties on the roof. Stacking freezer with ice. Light.

Spring comes with the rain, Love after the rain.