GO AWAY, YOU SPIRITS THAT TEND ON MY MORTAL SOUL

No Healthy Crap-no, that was not the reason. The reason I decided to let me live is to prove another person wrong, and secretly prove to myself that I do have strong or any WILL of my own. Did the cliché-  reached over for my cigarettes, two packs of those, marched to the toilet, lifted the lid with a bang and through them devils down the toilet. I QUITE SMOKING!

I think I am doing pretty well. Might reward myself with a cigarette :) AAAAh  I miss the 'Oh-sweet-mother-of-baby-Jesus' inhalations of the smoke. Oh the precious little grey gas-so into you! I don't want to be smoke-free :(

That is the weaker me. The stronger, nicotine yearning poor creature me will try to stay true to my decision! It's the matter of letting go. Letting go of something hazardous and making room for better things. If I do manage to break this habit, then, I can do anything I put my mind on.

• How much money will I save?! Of the first three days, the saved money will invest into an awesome piggy-bank :) as for the rest will have to open a bank account, step into that 'adult' world already, where will pail my millions for shopping in Paris. 
• It's said that quite soon will look and feel much healthier. Well, we'll see! If that is to be the case, will work on my health and invest into the running shoes-start jogging. I might be skinny but think that cigarettes were one of the reasons for it, so will try to keep it up. I enjoy being a skinny bitch-while I can :) 
• Apparently the skin clears too. If so, now will have no excuse but to develop and keep daily skin-care routine.
• And the most important one-drink more, much more H2O!!!

I just want one last cigarette! 

MY BLOG IS ONE! THAT MANY!

It is unbelievable that my baby is a year old! One whole year! Twelve months! Fifty-two weeks! Thee-hundred-sixty-five days! I don't know how many hours, for sure is 365x24= whatever comes up, my baby is that many!

Wow!

Proud and pleasantly surprised. It has grown very much, indeed. From a single page, it got to have two additional pages What Other Men Wrote About Love & You Are Listening to the Words. Google + got out and on the 1st of January this year I got me a Twitter account, all helping me share my uninvited thoughts with others who have no other reason to read it except for the love of me. And the most important and till now the biggest change is the purchasing of my own URL or Domain or that is the same thing? No idea, just happy to have a DOT COM :)

That is from a 'technical' side. From my side...oh well...so much! First and foremost, proof that my enthusiasm does last longer than the milk in the fridge and a toilet paper-roll, together! Coming of knowledge that I am a scanner, freed me, enabling me to grow. Yeah! That is what I feel when reading my first posts, growth, maturity, better choices of words and sentence constructions. I always believed that one day the beast will come impregnated with one idea which will slowly but safely give birth to a path that the self will take. Wake up every morning and choose the same path. That is writing to me. That is what I want to do with myself, by myself, it is what I want to become.

People who did take time of their life to indulge into a post or two were sweet enough to compliment me and some even go as far as to say that I do have a talent and reassure me that it is not a waste of time. I do like to hope this to be true.

Most of all the astonishing (to me) process of growth and development of my thoughts, ideas, believes and character/ persona. My fundamentals are still the same residing on the left side of my values, accompanied by my sagacity on the opposite side (of my shoulders? What?). I realized what made me happy and what made me unhappy, and went on to do more of what made me happy. Until I write it, I don't know what I think, so through writing I learned who I am or about to be, with nothing but the positive thinking as much as possible. Scrolling down this blog is as if walking side by side with me, a different version of me, a strange, abstract, good with the words and weird ideas-pulling them out of nowhere me. The evolution has been great, there were no expectation-no disappointments, only good, old pleasantries. It has been swell but nowhere near the mighty-genius me.This Blog had allowed me to finally be able to express myself and find the place to localise my genius. Through all this (mostly only positive) I've became a person I am proud and happy to introduce to the universe, a friend I would like to have.

Apart from me bragging for a whole looong paragraph, through the blog I've found so many others alike. So many great, wonderful, creative people that only inspire me.

Meanwhile...in my private life, during the year... I managed to grow a pair of bal*s and quit the job I found immoral to work at. Had a two months improvised holiday where did nothing even remotely productive or anything really, what I managed to do is kick myself while I was down for no reason, I like me! and start to believe I was in depression! Me!? Yet, when down down for so long the only way is up up up, and besides, all new beginning are disguised in painful endings. I met my SP! Got a job for what I became a morning person, excited to go there and indulge in constant fun. Towards the end of the year, when I gave up hope of kissing anyone at midnight on the 31st December. Not that I had plans to go anywhere...HE asked me out and I said Yes. Now I am in love, HE says he loves me too. And just tonight, few hours ago actually, I stopped smoking (more on that later on).

I am going to go as far out and say that this was one of the best ideas in my life and how I summoned the carriage to take it up. I feel so lucky and fortunate. I finally know who I want to be. I can see it now :) 

All in all, I am more than happy with what I accomplished and how much I came to learn about myself and 'online' creatures, and befriend with avatars. It is definitely what I want to do and am working towards that goal while still remembering to unplug and go outside, see friends, watch a movie and as always-read me books.

Love you all millions and Thank you ever so much!

11 COMMANDMENTS

1. Work on one thing at a time.
2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to 'Black Spring'
3. Don't be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time.
5. When you can't create you can work.
6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like.
8. Don't be a drought-horse! Work with pleasure only.
9. Discard the Program when you feel like it- but go back to it the next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude. 
10. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
11. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards. 

WORK  SCHEDULE

1932-1933

By  Henry Miller Miscellanea  

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I made you my lover when you could have been anything. A King of Spain? sitting upon your liar's chair with your broken thoughts in your empire of dirt. Where in my head women are consulting woman. Goldfish after goldfish.

Baby, its cold outside! Your absence filled the world. An empty space in my bed. You buy a mask, I put it on. I've stolen the things you hid. You forget so easily. It was nothing, but still is all I've got. Neither words nor kisses in any tongue known to man.

Sun was high (so was I). This 'modern' life is rubbish, giving me a choice to be a real girl in an imaginary place. Might as well revisit and re-imagine. Every time is a different kind of cool. Where I have time to paint with my own galaxy and many Moons above when you bring on the night and my heart lights up. I am for whatever gets you through it, you know? I want to make you happy, make you feel alive. I please you, I win!

Feel good anyway? Satisfaction of what is to come?

Stop! Why are you here and not there? This is the sign you've been waiting for. Stare. Enjoy the echo of silence. Be curious. Curl. Walk. Away?

You give it all but I want more and that was the time of my life, when I ruled the world. What have I become? Please, please come back and sing to me, bring on the dancing horses. Lick my neck, unsex me here, drink me...Remember, we used to put ourselves on fire? I can't change. Hard to be soft, tough to be tender. Easier to love me in abstract? They are coming to take me away anyway.

I want to break free, won't you come with me? To catch our dreams. Newspapers and flowers. Have a lot of staff we don't need. Life's what we make it. Nobody ever did what we are going to and what we do is secret. You can be excused to kiss the sky.

Together we will end the future.

2012 READING LIST

STICK TO IT, you gorgeous deception!!!!!!!!!!!

• Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami- have to finish it, as I took a break from it to catch up on a book we are reading for the book club. Mr. Murakami never fails to amaze me\wise me up.
• The summer of a bear by Bella Pollen -a book club read. A lovely surprise. Have to stare down the pages as the discussion meeting is in a week. Can't wait to hear what ladies think.
• Aleph by Paulo Coelho - got the book for Xmas from my boy boy. So it's a must read.
• Paulo Coelho: A Worrier's Life - ooh yet another Xmas present from, none other than...wait for it...my boy boy AGAIN! Some females like shoes and jewellery and expensive crap, I like me books and he knows it! :)
• Down Under by Bill Bryson - and yet another Xmas present, but from my darling Timothy
• The sense of an ending by Julian Barnes - a 'present' from Mum. Seemed so inviting that I had to buy another copy for SP. May he learn something. And I, too.
• The interpretation of dreams volume four by Sigmund Freud - this book is from the bookshelf, serving as a pre-read or an introduction to the next book. Let it be a book that will change my perception. Heart when that happens. The quite transformations of the women in me.
• A dangerous method by John Kerr - must read before watching a movie. And I love love love Keira Knightly.
• At Home by Bill Bryson - well, this book was from me to me. What we do at home and why? What it the logic to it, if existent at all and to which extent.
• Women by Charles Bukowski (Wikipedia is down today for some kind of an important reason, apparently trying to prove a point, don't know the story, basically, what I am trying to say here is that there is no link about Charlie due to the protest for good cause. I hope.) - This book came into my possesion (was not stolen, I bought it!) as a project. 'Go to the book-shop, find your favourite author, buy the book next to it and READ IT!' Have absolutely no idea what is it and why it is written. Didn't even bother reading the back cover. That way is mysterious, the title works for me, author's last name sounds promising, also knowing that he is a poet is a definite thumbs up. No expectations, no disappointments, only pleasenteries.

Now that I look at it, bit random, no? May not read them in this specific order as wouldn't like to get stuck in the middle of the summer fun with Freud :/

Hopefully for once will honer the list.

If you have read any of these books or want to read, do share your opinions, views, critics, 'To read' lists or shelf pictures, etc.

Would love to hear it! :)

Loves y'all, bookies!

DAY DREAMING...WISH YOU WERE HERE

INSPIRATION- I can't write when I am happy

When started this little chronology of random, beautiful, me being a flaneur in world of words and self expression,prime idea was for it to be a happy place. With happy thoughts and positive thinking and 'all the extraordinary days and ideas'-still got them though. Refusing to write when even slightly unhappy, tired or moody. Being afraid it would be as dark as the colour of the beast, whiny, too deep with no sense to it. Endless inquiries about the state.

But I had to try it, had to see it for myself how it sounds. Until I write it down I don't know what I think, therefore no rytham or colour is visible to the thought reflection. And that is how firstly I ate caviar and cried, This answers that question, I just haven't met you yet, She could tell by the way he was standing came about. Writing it, was as natural, more honest therefore meaningful, emotional more complete and not as random. Putting it out there, staring at the 'publish post' button and actually pressing it, felt reviving, freeing and scary, all at the same time.

People (3 of my friends and my mum) responded to it. Most importantly, I enjoyed writing the truth and saying how it is without any prejudice. It came to be clearer to see, going 'back there' and writing in that 'blaaah' state than when am euphoric or immeasurably frenzy. And now...don't even bother thinking of writing when happy. Useless-waste of time which I devour.

When I am happy I think its forever, as a butterfly thinks it has a forever. The gland drowning in dopamine, foggy unformed stolen ideas going nowhere fast. Unrealistic perception of what is around me and helplessly feeling lucky.

But that is not an excuse. I will, I must, learn how to divorce myself from that unwanted, unnecessary state- happiness, in order to produce magic or

tragedy, then go back to being a smitten kitten that I only know how to be.

THE MOUTH AND THE KNIFE

'If you cut your hair, you can travel Europe.'

I woke up instantly.

Aia came into my dream, out of nowhere, and said the above. My eyes wide open, I turned my head and there lies my man, a complete work of art-'I can't just go to Europe'.

What is it that I need to let go off?

Chocolate, Cigarettes, apparently Long Hair, Warm, Good Days and sunny Tuesdays are just some of my addictions and habits. Aia meant, or I think she did, if I manage to get rid of one-ain't no stopping us now.

I wish I knew how to leave pieces of myself behind in order to feel the sun and rain fully. If I obtained something already, that is not me anymore, for I grew and deepened for that much, hence I don't need it anymore as it is now part of who I was. So, hanging onto what exactly? For me to fully comprehend and understand this is like helping a Retard to know God.

No, I do not want to become a mightier self, don't want to control me, I want to be free and do as I please. Though, Aia's 'message'/ 'order'/ 'advice' is hanging above me head in a shape of a green question mark. Don't know where the green colour came from?!

...Maybe if I just colour my hair? Nope, as I am sure mummy and daddy gave me this colour to match my eyes. Or just cut it a little bit? Maybe...

Universe will give me an answer in matter or some time and that would be exactly what I need. Whatever the answer would be, am just glad that I got to question and reflect, and self-obsess a bit more. The doubts over my addiction come knocking on every locked door.

CURRENTLY

• What it always does, it rains. But there is something in the water.
• Found a boy who lets me make art, therefore bullshit, to kiss my face. We won't need two umbrellas
• SP got me a room in the palace and ask me to help him decorate. (Will do)
• While we are on interior design, Agnes asked me the same. (Yes!)
• Pizda-power power-lunch happening on Tuesday
• Working excessively. Do not remember when was the last time I didn't feel kind of tired. Girl with no regrets.
• Walking, successfully, on a wire ;)
• Missing: Mum, Freud and Mr Murakami
• There! I admit...-Twitter, 'Google Documents' & 'Google +' and awesome FB 'Timeline'- still, give me a book that smells of yesterdays and will witness pure happiness.
• Happy, not euphoric- peaceful.
• I simple love. My love doesn't depend on an object of love. It is my state of being. I am in love. Most of the time.
• Grasping the benefits of a 'mouth-shut'
• Learning about people the way they treat others
• Lana Del Ray, Gotye
• Dinner, Charades, Monopoly, an amazing Head, Work, Ride, Tea with honey and an Apple pie, Sweet lovin', 'Friends', Monopoly, Indian food, Nap, Bed...
• Tomorrow, another Monday, Myday (mon=my in French) Another day, another week to do as I please, learn, do more things that make me happy, surprise myself.