IT HAPPENED, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

Today is the last day of yet one another year. Its weird, no?

I do say that this year sucked, it feels like it. But looking back through a reflection of self-portrait obsession gives a complete different perspective to 365 lost days. It was a truthful year, made enormous discoveries, kept promises, became someone I like, a friend that I would like to have, found ways to express myself, and found an imperfectly perfect love. A total bliss, in a sense. Let it happen. Nothing I expected, and everything I wanted.

Today, I actually feel excited about tomorrow. Can't wait to begin a new beginning, even if it makes me older. I do want to make this year happen, to be happy, productive, creative, lots of kisses, hugs and snuggles.

Here's my list of things I do want to do throughout, no pressure. Dreaming big, wishing for unattainable while 'impossible' is just a word.

• Go see a live band abroad
• Learn how to play the guitar
• See the oceans
• Write a letter to someone who has inspired me
• Sell a piece of art
• Read all the books currently on my shelf
• Go on a pick nick
• Travel to France
• Attend a comedy show
• Visit a Synagog
• Do a tattoo
• Plant a tree for Earth day
• Host a poker night
• See a drive-in movie
• Stay in bad for 24 hours
• Watch a court hearing
• Investigate my family tree
• Visit Austria
• Bake cookies
• Go go-karting
• Not eat out for 3 weeks
• Write a poem
• Learn a new type of dance
• Swim with dolphins
• Make a list of things I want to do before I die
• Build a dog house
• Tell someone I love them
• Make a T-shirt quilt
• Get a motorcycle license
• Kiss a boy under the Eiffel Tower and on the top of the tower
• Continua keep a diary
• Redecorate my room
• Eat something I have never eaten before
• Take Mom on a trip of her choice
• Learn how to salsa
• Host a game night
• Sleep in a tent
• Plant a herb garden
• Take a walk in the rain
• Fly a helicopter
• Wear nothing black for a week
• Make my own skirt
• Go on an unplanned flight
• Horseback ride
• Buy a scooter
• Refinish a piece of furniture
• Play scrabble
• Try 5 foreign food restaurants
• Buy a Moleskine
• Change my hair-style
• Make brownies from scratch
• Do yoga
• Spend a rainy day watching films in my PJ's
• Visit 10 different museums
• Take High-tea in England
• Go to a rugby game
• Develop a skin-care routine
• Bake someone a cake for no reason
• Grow some vegetables
• Go snorkling
• Learn to drive a car
• Build a blanket fort and sleep in it
• Learn a new word every week for a year
• Write a list of everything bad in my life and burn the list
• Leave an inspirational note inside a book for somebody to find
• Write a love letter to my husband
• Write my name in the sand
• Write a message in a public toilet
• Dance in the rain
• Have a dinner by candle light
• Fall in love
• Kiss under fireworks
• Move out of my parents house
• Watch 26 movies I haven't seen each starting with a letter of the Alphabet
• Tie a note to a balloon and let it go
• Build a Snowwoman
• Send a secret to a Post office
• Buy a lottery ticket
• Go on a cruise
• Make a birthday cake for someone
• Go skinny dipping
• Send a message in a bottle
• Crave my name on a tree
• See a 3D movie
• Fly a kite
• Bake cupcakes
• Go fishing
• Ask 20 friends to suggest one book and read them all
• Learn to eat with chopsticks

Now its time to drink champaign and dance on the table!

Lets exit to...2012/Welcome

2011 GRATITUDE

While evaluating this year in my pretty little head...the thought process went down something like this...as I like to organize and write list...'The 3 best things that happened to me this year.' Either couldn't think of none or of too many, never landed on number three, therefore thought of every answer to be the wrong one.

As I believe that universe will give me an answer in matter of hours or days to the repetitive question of the gland, universe spoke to the beast.

The thing that I am the most grateful for is SP. For thousands of reason which are not even explanatory to self. The great conversations we indulge in, discussing the words, the power and authority of the ways they are used. Making connection and discovering the patterns within ourselves. Looking for ways to transfer our emotions to sounds. Him looking for himself while I'm demanding euphoria.

Looking back on this year, pretty much sucked in all possible aspects. But Xmas came and the miracle happened. I sooo wanted what they had, the laughter, the teasing, the breakfasts,reading papers together and more laughter. Only to find that they are not, and for him to take me out on a date to become boyfriend. An amazing one, for that matter!

And the last but not least...Since I got me a boyfriend I got me a challenge too! To try and balance my 2012 out! Very excite about it. To be a good girlfriend, a kind friend and a creative and selfless me. Do more things that make Me happy, as well, do things that make him happy and still have time for a coffee with friends. 2012 looks like a project that I will passionately work on, without setting goals and just enjoying the process. Spend my time 'digging' myself and falling head over heels with my man.

Loving the moment I wake up as there are 24 brand new hours to do absolutely what I please.

Happy people!

BACK TO DREAMING...MEET ME THERE

'The mind hardly dares to express itself and, when it does, is limited to stating that this idea or that woman has an effect on it.' This might be the truth for those who believe that there is no original thought. That the great ideas are stolen. One whole medical doctrine is subjected to reduce any felt feeling, emotion or thought process to a premature effect from or via our subconsciousness. How the actual 'effect' gives rise to an emotion and goes to understand it. Going back to the earliest memory, rightly or wrongly, drawing the diagnoses whilst avoiding the term 'normal'. The 'N' word in psycho-analysis.

Life's a round-about, each street leading to depression, signs indicating 'Further Disaster', insomnia just around the corner. The ridicule of rat race. So obnoxious over the waking state resulting with anxiety. Or it thinks it is. But what about Freud? What about the dreams?

The sleeping, dreaming, state is as essential and as complex as the waking state, outwardly two contradictory realities. Not enough importance is paid to that valuable time. 'The mind of a sleeping man is fully satisfied with whatever happens to it'.The divine state we indulge in for one third of our life. The rest of the time we are worried.

Spending my days desperately to find a connection and to reason with reason when only justifying my sleeping habits. Or a need to believe in something rather than horoscope where dreams come to be the second best.

Final summation: Darling, don't believe everything you think.

I like to sleep.

THE FIGHT BOREDOM MANIFESTO

I will fight boredom with action, ideas and creativity. I will fight boredom with feminism, friend dates and craftsnoons. I will fight jealousy and girl-hate and all the -isms and phobias in my community. I will fight boredom with encouraging others and maintaining positive friendships. I will fight the winter blues with long conversations and new adventures. I will have picnics in springtime. I will fight boredom with bike rides, cupcakes and trips to the library. I will write letters and I will not be afraid to card my typewriter long distances. I will not be afraid to look ridiculous. I will be critical of the mainstream. When my acquaintances complain of boredom, I will do my best to help them fight it (or perhaps get drunk and remind them that only boring people get bored). I will fight boredom with my own zines and manifestos- WRITE YOUR OWN!

By Amber Forrester

WHAT WE'RE READING...

When I am not in love, I walk, work, sleep and joke. Even that becomes overbearing. When I feel as empty as a promise, I try to escape, pretend nothing exists around me, nothing is real, nor am I. Or make myself believe that I am the Only real creation while the rest are my reflections, in order to change for the better, in this theory, I should think happy thoughts. But sometimes is hard to think outside of the box. My box can be as dark as a coffin and as lonely as a church sometimes. Although, it is still mine, it is magical!

When my box doesn't suit me I go into somebody else's. I read, passionately.

I need an imaginative box, a deeper and bigger box than mine it is. A box with new colors. As I already read 'Kafka on the Shore', I tursted Mr. Murakami. I chose his earlier work 'Norwegian Wood' to be my exile this time.

...'So I made up my mind I was going to find somebody who would love me unconditionally 365 days a year. I was still in primary school at that time , but I made up my mind once and for all.'

'Wow', I said. 'And did your search pay off?'

'That's the hard part,' said Midori. She watched the rising smoke for a while, thinking. 'I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough.'

'Waiting for the perfect love?'

'No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortbread. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortbread out to me. And I say I don't want it any more and throw it out of the window. That's what I am looking for.'

'I'm not sure that has anything to do with love,' I said with some amazement.

'It does,' she said. 'You just don't know it. There are times in a girl's life when things like that are incredibly important.'

'Things like throwing strawberry shortbread out of the window?'

'Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologizes to me. 'Now I see, Midori. What a fool I've been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortbread. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I'll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?''

'So then what?'

'So then I'd give him all the love he deserves for what he's done.'

'Sounds crazy to me.'

'Well, to me, that's what love is. Not that anyone can understand me, though.' Midori gave her head a little shake against my shoulder. 'For a certain kind of person, love begins from something tiny or silly. From something like that or it doesn't begin at all.'

I want to know what strawberry shortbread is so I'll know what to throw out of the window as that is the kind of love I am yearning for. A Perfect Selfishness.

XMAS INDEED

God doesn't talk to me, I am not religious. I don't talk to God, I am not psychotic. Still, have a soft spot for 'Baby Jesus' wording. And that is why I am excite about all the Xmasy joys.

Traditions are to keep. Last year got a taste of Swedish Xmas and Xmas present taking-over games and Latvian Xmas card making. Since my Swedish friend is rich and fabulous, she won't be on the rock and my Latvian friends are poor and loving, we will be drinking mulled wine, cutting the paper, gluing things on top of stuff, drying it with a hair dryer and hopefully manufacture a decent Noel card. Made my first Facebook event in honer to this 'think with your hands' undertaking.

About to spend over €200 for a dinner in expectation that a fat, old man dressed in fake, red fur doesn't get stuck in a non-existent chimney and bring me presents and bunch of little presents too, which are not wrapped in the same wrapping paper mum uses. Had a lot of fun and dear laughs when making a menu with a bubbly welcome to start the fun off. A sneak peek: Starter is called 'She's too fat for me', followed by the 'Some like it hot', 'Blame Hollywood'- main course and big finish with the 'Darlings'.

Finally started thinking of gifts for friends and mum three weeks prior, instead on a Boxing day. All the gifts will be perfect with a thought of every person. Can't wait to see their faces when they open the complicated wrapping that I'll probably spend more time on than on processing the whole gift idea. Each present will withhold a 'Do Not Want'- complaint form. In case of dislike, you can get a hug or air from my lungs-where I'll just blow.

As for actual Xmas and New Year Eve plans- I refuse to acknowledge its coming presence and happening as I am not done with 2011. No Epic shit happen yet, not that there is a chance for a miracle but it's not OK so it is not the end. Will make New Year resolutions, only coz I love to appreciate lists and won't be buying ridiculously expensive dresses as might be working. But HEY! every day is a New Year's eve! The piggy bank just winked at me! Will do the revaluation of this year though. Not excited of the end result.

TWINKLE TWINKLE TWINKLE, LITTLE TWINKLE (;

THE STRANGER IS THE MESSAGE

How I believe in my consciousness' pedestrians. How I believe that right people come into my life at the right time. They may not come to stay, no, but to show me, open my eyes, read me a sign that I was looking at for so long but couldn't focus on what it meant. Take me by my shoulders and remove me from the rough bole that was blocking my sight, hurting my skin. Dark-dominating things I saw, making me blind and leaving me feel like a fool, and offer me a whole forest. Offer me another truth. How I believe that at the end universe gives me exactly what I needed.

'You have a choice,' he told me. 'Either you are going to see a world for what it is, or you are going to want to see it as a perfect world where all is how is supposed to be and it is going in a direction that is supposed to go.' To my fragile substance soul and my graceless heart, this wasn't a tough decision to make. I choose the later. Wasn't it obvious all the while?

Changing of the perception is what I needed in order to become. And now, now he calls me SWEET and KIND. Now I own the field and write the sky. Didn't I ever?

His objectiveness to my past, my memories, my feelings and to who I though I was and to all that was left of me, gave him a clear picture of what I truly am. He saw my folly. It was easy for him to see through me and reduce me to a word in order to free me. Letting me be glorious. And I am proud to be playing that part.

No he is not a man of my dreams, he only reminded me that I have dreams. He is not a man that judges my beliefs or laughs at my sins.

Yes, he became great to me.

In his life I must stay.